While my grandpa was in the ICU and we knew that it was just a matter of hours (in his case 26...) before he would pass on, my uncle came and since my grandma wasn't about to leave my grandpa's side so I went out and had the opportunity to talk with him. I was of course crying, and he shared with me something that sparked my interest. He said something to the effect of "I know that God will bless your family so much after this. When my son passed away I was amazed at how much we were blessed." I remember thinking, hoping, and being kind of cynical "He better, because this whole thing is horrible and I don't see any good coming out of it." Well, two weeks (holy snot! What a looooong 2 weeks) later... I can say that my uncle was right. I have been blessed in more ways than I can count. I wanted to share some... some are sacred... others not so much... I can't decide if it's appropriate on a blog or not. I guess if it helps someone who is having a hard time then it is.
Granted... I would much rather take my grandpa back then to have all these blessings, I, in no way want it to seem like I am glad that my Grandpa passed away because now I am being blessed. The only reason I am glad he passed away is because he was in so much pain and it would be totally selfish to wish for him to be back here in as much pain as he was in.
Let's just start with the night he passed away. December 31, 2010. Such a great New Year right? I dunno... we will see. 2010 has not been nice to our family. We have had a rough year, especially my grandpa. Even though 2011 has been rough so far it has been a relief. My grandpa is free from pain, and we no longer have to sit and watch this wonderful man suffer. That alone is a blessing. He is no longer in pain and he can walk, run, and be with us all of the time now, not laying in bed feeling useless (even though he never was).
The viewing and funeral were wonderful. We saw lots of family and friends and had a ton of support. I had the opportunity to both sing (with all the grandkids) and speak at his funeral and I am so grateful for that. The day of his funeral I was a basket case. Speaking in public really doesn't bother me. I enjoy it actually... yeah I'm weird... So, I wasn't a basket case because of speaking, it was more because this was my grandpa. The man who was always there for me, he wasn't ever supposed to leave me. That was the reason why I was such a basket case.
While I was on the stands trying to to throw myself into a panic attack my cousin was "reading" the funeral program. I put reading in " " because I don't think the reason she was reading it was because she was interested. Maybe, in her head she was... however, on the front of the program was a picture of my grandpa. I saw that picture and was at peace. I knew that my grandpa was there and he had me in his arms and was going to help me. This is the picture.. although it was cropped and looked better than this one.
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| He is such a handsome young man! |
The grandkids all got up and sang A Child's Prayer. To be honest, I love that song! I almost cry every time I hear it. It's so beautiful and teaches such amazing doctrine. I knew that there was no way I was going to be able to sing that song and then get up and speak. I was sobbing before hand, I couldn't breathe, I was so sick. My aunt Margo and I say a prayer and that helped calm me. Then I stood up with the rest of my cousins and we sang. Halfway through the song Hudson (my 3 year old cousin) starts to cry... while people may think that it is inconvenient and whatever else, it was such a huge blessing, and I know he was crying because I needed him. I picked him and just held him. He brought such peace to my soul. It was my Heavenly Father's way of calming me enough to help me through my talk. I was able to make it through 95% of my talk without tears, and the last little bit I got choked up on but I was okay. I was so grateful.
For those who don't know... which is a lot of people. I have been struggling with some health problems. Nothing too serious, but enough that I was having a hard time functioning in life. I was beyond exhausted and kept going into weird passing out type episodes for more information on when that started... click here that is how this whole thing started. It's number 5. Things never seemed to be normal from then... I finally went to a new doctor who sent me to a cardiologist (since I was having some chest pain and heart rate and blood pressure problems). I had to wear a portable EKG for 2 weeks and it basically monitored my heart 24/7. When I got the results back... guess what! Story of my life... they were normal... just like all the other tests I have had to try and figure out what is going on. I was irritated to say the least. I didn't know if I was just a freak and just out of shape or if there was just issues that nobody knew what was going on. ANNOYING! My cardiologist sent me to another cardiologist and he basically said I have no idea. It could be this syndrome called POTS click for here more information... basically my blood pressure is really low (80/40's) which causes fatigue and the weird passing out episodes... So, he started me on some medication that is supposed to help me retain water and salt and help raise my blood pressure. Well, so far... it has worked!! For months, I haven't been feeling well at all... and now I feel basically close to GREAT! Such a huge blessing!
Another blessing is Institute Counsel... I'll be honest I was beginning to really just hate it. Everyone seemed to be best friends, I hadn't felt well, I was stressed, and school was not going great and so I wasn't able to make it to really any of the activities. I talked to the adviser's about getting released, and they felt like I should stay. Obviously, if I couldn't then I shouldn't, but they felt like I should be there and that they would do all they can to help me. They moved me to a different committee and I was placed as a 5th on a committee of 4. Instead, of where I was before where there was 2 of us. I was just unable to do all that I felt like I should be able to do. So, they moved me. After Christmas break and my grandpa's funeral, it seemed like everything with Institute seemed to fall into place. All of a sudden I didn't feel like an outcast. I felt apart of them, and I really just love these people... who even though we have been together (most of us...) for 9 months I don't really know. I feel so blessed to be apart of them.
Nursery. Tava is in nursey in my homeward and she asked me if I could help her one day... well... I haven't been back to my singles ward since... I ended up transferring my records on the condition that I get to go to nursery. So, I get to go and be with cute little 3 year olds and I love them so much! They are such a blessing in and of themselves.
A huge blessing happened on my birthday. My birthday just happened to be the week anniversary of my grandpa's passing. Great. Right? Not. I basically wanted to whole day to disappear. I had a bad attitude to say the least. I remember telling Tava the night before my birthday that I just wanted two things for my birthday. One was the obvious... my grandpa. Two, was my good friend Adam. Through the years Adam has to be one of the greatest blessing my Heavenly Father has given me, along with the rest of my boys. Adam however, has seen me, dealt with me, and helped me at my worst time in life. Oh how I love him! He is the greatest friend anyone could ask for. I knew that the two things I wanted most wasn't likely to happen... the first one for obvious reasons... the second one wasn't going to happen because Adam had just left for Logan 3 days before and I knew that he couldn't afford to drive down to Spanish Fork for a day just to see me... God... hadn't a different plan. That afternoon I went for a drive, I have a habit of going to the city park and laying under a tree reading my scriptures and just pondering. Well... for obvious reasons I didn't go lay under a tree. It's the middle of January!! FREEZING!!!! Anyways, I parked my car and turned my heater up, turned my radio off and sat and read my scriptures in my car, pondered, and prayed. I was texting Adam while I was at the park and he asked me what I was doing, I told him, and he asked me what park. I told him what park, just making small talk, didn't think too much about it. Well, I was in the middle of just pleading with my Heavenly Father. I didn't need to have the best birthday ever. I didn't even care that it was my birthday... I just wanted him to help me to be happy and to be at peace with life. As I was pleading with Him, I hear a tap on my window... and I look and there is Adam. I sobbed. I got out of my car and hugged him and cried and cried and cried and cried. He was like "JaNae... You are supposed to be happy to see me." I was so happy! I couldn't even talk. I just cried. I asked him why he was here and told him about my pleading with Heavenly Father to just be able to have a decent day and how I just wanted him(Adam) to be here. Then, I resumed crying. He proceeded to tell me that it was quite the story. He was up in Logan trying to decide if he should come down or what he should do. About the same time he was thinking about what to do, his dad calls him, literally out of the blue, completely random and says "Hey, if you want to come down for a day or two I will pay for your gas." Adam, hopped in his car and the rest is history. It was so random and out of the blue that when Adam's mom got home she asked him why he was home. Heavenly Father definitely knew that I needed Adam, and I am grateful that Adam's dad was in tune with the spirit enough to give Adam a call and tell him to come down. Here is a picture that I took. I look like I had been crying... and yes... I had been.
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| He is so fantastic!! |
I know that Heavenly Father is so mindful of us, and that I have been so blessed throughout my life and especially since the passing of my grandpa. It certainly doesn't take the pain away of losing such a huge person in my life, but it does help ease it. I hope that in writing and sharing some of my experiences people don't think of it as bragging, but hopefully people can look in their life and see that good things do come after trials if we handle them appropriately.
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